


wish i were

by doriians



Category: Dead Poets Society (1989)
Genre: Angst, Crushes, Depression, Heavy Angst, M/M, Oops, Self-Hatred, Unrequited Crush, idk what to tag, is this whump LMAO, possibly the angstiest thing ive written
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2021-01-15
Updated: 2021-01-15
Packaged: 2021-03-13 03:33:56
Rating: Teen And Up Audiences
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 1
Words: 1,371
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/28771656
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/doriians/pseuds/doriians
Summary: Neil was the world. Just not his.
Relationships: Charlie Dalton/Neil Perry (unrequited), Todd Anderson/Neil Perry
Comments: 5
Kudos: 25





	wish i were

**Author's Note:**

> hello im back with more angst !!
> 
> and yes the title is from heather by conan gray let me live
> 
> anyway it hurt me to put charlie in pain which is why it's only 1k and also why im going to go back to writing that knarlie dancing fic i was working on goodbye

Charlie was 13 when he first realised he was in love with Neil.

He still remembers it vividly - sun falling down, late autumn noon shining on their faces. They made a bet to see who would finish the lap of the oval first and by cutting corners, Charlie won, out of breath and sweating like mad but touching the cold silver pole. Neil followed quickly after, and he hunched over, a smile still wide on his face.

“You cheated.”

And then, there was that moment, looking up, sun catching his eye, the green of the grass reflecting on his hazel eyes. Pink lips split in a casual grin, squinting to look at Charlie. As Charlie’s heart raced and panged, he realised he wanted that moment to last forever. He wanted  _ them  _ to last forever, somehow, in some way. He wanted to look into Neil’s crinkling eyes for forever, feel the sun lines on his face and brush his brown hair. In a beat, he realised.

He  _ loved  _ him.

Actually, actually loved him. Charlie thought of himself as a loving person, loving friends, loving his family, loving his little sister, loving everything and everyone he met, but god, he  _ loved  _ Neil. More than he could have ever known. 

Realising he was staring at Neil for too long, he quickly smiled, face relaxing in an easy smirk. “Did not. I’ll race you to the hall.”

And like that, the moment was gone, wind and ground going fast against his skin, laughter echoing in the empty school grounds as Neil yelled protests of bad sportsmanship behind him. 

For years, Charlie played it over and over in his head. He’s memorised every detail by now. His red shorts. His unkempt collar. His navy sneakers. All of it, down to memory, from when he fell in love when he was thirteen years old.

Neil must be blind if he didn’t notice, Charlie thought. Because God, he knew how he looked at Neil, how his eyes traced his body like Neil was his world. Charlie finding every excuse to be with him, to make Neil laugh that adorable laugh of his that made Charlie’s heart glow, Charlie touching him whenever he could just to pretend, for just a moment. 

Charlie watched him. He watched him when he knew Neil thought he wasn’t looking, but he never found his eyes. Never saw the flush on Neil that sometimes crawled over Charlie in the middle of the night. Never saw Neil try to make Charlie laugh, make him  _ want  _ Neil. Neil didn’t need to do any of that, because Charlie already loved him. He knew Charlie loved him unconditionally, romantically or platonically. Charlie was Neil’s  _ best friend _ . 

And Charlie knew Neil never wanted to be more. 

He was fine with it. He had accepted it long ago. He didn’t need Neil to love him for Charlie to love him like that. The chances of Neil liking Charlie, or liking boys for that matter, was always unlikely. Charlie knew this… and yet he still wouldn’t stop loving Neil. Hope didn’t matter. Hope never mattered, because there was never a chance anyway. But, sure, he’ll admit. He would keep up the optimistic funny look for Neil just to see him laugh, just to see him smile, just to feel that Neil cared about him, even if it wasn’t romantic. Sometimes he wondered if that was selfish, but then he would see Neil laugh and smile and his heart would  _ burn _ , and he would remember who all of this was for. 

He waited. Not for Neil to love him, of course, but for Neil to find a girl to meet and marry and love, and Charlie would watch as he gives shitty boyfriend advice and watches Neil be happy and smile with someone that wasn’t him. He was okay with that.

Instead, there was a boy.

Dark brown hair that hung over his sad eyes, permanent pink blush over his cheeks and the kind of stature that wasn’t small enough to be in the front, but wasn’t tall enough to tower over, and instead blended into the background. 

_ Todd Anderson. _

And, well. He loved Neil. How could he not? How could anyone not fall for Neil, his wide smile, his stubborn demeanor, the quiet little laughs under his breath? 

But Neil…

Neil loved him back.

Charlie thought he was imagining it at first, but then it was there, glaring in front of him, impossible to deny. Neil’s wide eyes that watched Todd when he thought he wasn’t looking, the small pink that spread across Neil’s cheeks and neck whenever Todd brushed his fingers, the constant laughter that filled their conversations. Todd would look at Neil like Charlie had for years and years and years, but this time, Neil looked back, and they stared at each other like they were each other’s worlds. 

Here’s how he thought of it. All of it, everyone, is a star or a moon or a planet. A planet needs a moon, to go round and round, to stare at it in the late hours of the night.

Neil was a planet. Charlie had gone round and round, trying to make Neil happy, but that wasn’t right for Neil. Then Todd came, and that was perfect. They were each other’s moons and worlds, but where did that leave Charlie?

In other words, Neil was the world. Just not his.

And he knew all along, but this made it hurt more. Charlie had lived the most of his life hoping to be Neil’s moon; instead he was just a constellation in the sky, surrounded by millions and millions of other unimportant stars.

Or maybe - and this is the thought that hurt him the most - he wasn’t even a constellation. He was just another star amongst more insignificant stars. Not even a complete image for Neil to admire, but a star one wouldn’t even try to notice between brighter and better stars. 

Charlie should have hated Todd, but how could he? Todd  _ was  _ perfect for Neil. The quiet to Neil’s loud, the writer to Neil’s drama. They balanced each other perfectly. Todd was a wonderful person, always considerate of Charlie, giving him quiet compliments in school time. He was smart, even if he didn’t like to flaunt it, and funny, saying small snarky insults under his breath which made the people around him snigger. 

And another thought. All this time, Neil hadn’t not liked boys; he just didn’t like Charlie.

Even thinking of it made him cry. It was  _ his fault  _ that Neil never loved him. He knew he had never really liked himself, but God, now he  _ hated _ himself. If Neil, who was practically a saint, never liked Charlie, what does that say about him? Who was Charlie to Neil? Todd could make Neil love him, effortlessly, simply. Charlie tried, he  _ really  _ tried for years, and Neil still never liked him. 

He was never good at studies, only winning at sports because he practiced and he cheated, but he thought he was good at people. Good at friends. What was he now?

“God, what the fuck am I good at?” Charlie said to himself, studying his reflection in the mirror.

He shut his eyes tightly, and thought of Neil, and the creases on his face, and his soft smile, and the crinkles around his eyes when he laughed at his jokes.

Maybe that’s all he was doomed to be. The laugh of the group, the in joke, the clown, the player that was forever alone.

_ If it makes Neil happy,  _ he thought,  _ then I should be happy too. _

But before he knew it and before he could stop himself, the tears started flowing from Charlie’s eyes, eyes and cheeks and face getting red and ugly with splotches and wet spots everywhere. He watched them drip across his cheeks and into the sink, swirling down the drain. He threw the ice cold water on his heating face. 

“Then why aren’t I happy?” Charlie whispered, gasping between tears. 

Charlie shut his eyes, feeling the tears cascade down his face and leaning into the arms around him and for even just a sliver of time, he could pretend that it was Neil. 

  
  


**Author's Note:**

> follow me @sendnuwandas on twitter where you can shout at me for writing too much angst


End file.
